From: barrett@astro.cs.umass.edu (Daniel Barrett) Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy Subject: No more arguments -- the ULTIMATE has arrived Summary: But does it run BLAZEMONGER? Of course!! Keywords: cheese-filled polygons cavorting with bilabial xenophobes Date: 5 Mar 92 21:58:30 GMT >Re: Mac vs. Amiga (was Re: Amiga vs. Mac (was Re: Amiga vs. NeXT (was Re: NeXT vs '486 (was Re: '386 vs. Princess Petunia)))))))))))))))) All of you comp.sys.amiga.AIRHEAD readers don't know what you are TALKING ABOUT. It is TOTALLY OBVIOUS to me that NONE of you has *EVER* USED A COMPUTER. You can just BAG those '486 slowpokes. TOSS OUT those boring Macinsloths. And feed your WIMPY NEXTS to RABID ARMADILLOS!! If you want to experience the ULTIMATE in personal computer GRAPHICS, personal computer SPEED, and personal computer HYGIENE, then there is ONLY ONE CHOICE. Count it: ONE (1). Can you count that high? I knew you could. [Yes, you knew it was coming, didn't you...] Announcing... B L A Z E - P C THE MOST SPLENDIFERAMAZINGTASTIC PERSONAL COMPUTER EVER CREATED!!!!!! (From BLAZEMONGER, INC: makers of fine games for psychopathic individuals.) Anyway, you ask, "How fast is Blaze-PC?" That's a very reasonable thing to ask, so we'll tell you. [Long-time BLAZEMONGER fans can skip the next paragraph.] FIRST OF ALL, buddy, it's BLAZE-PC IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS!!! If you don't SCREAM when you WRITE IT, your COMPUTATIONS BITE IT!! (TM) So, is it FAST?? HAH!!!! Words haven't been INVENTED YET to describe the BLAZING, RAW PROCESSING POWER of BLAZE-PC. To combat this problem, we are now contacting WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY to add a new word that DOES describe it!! This word will be the FASTEST word EVER CREATED!! It's so fast that every time you try to look it up, it JUMPS to another page!! This word is IMPOSSIBLE to read! So you'll just have to take our word for it. How about graphics and audio? GET REAL!!! Other WIMPY PC's have 24-bit graphics and stereo 16-bit sound. NOT BLAZE-PC!!! BLAZE-PC has 24-MEGABIT graphics (yes, 24,000,000 bits per pixel) and 16-CHANNEL sound arranged as 4 independent QUADRAPHONIC systems -- one system at ear level, one above you, one below you, and one in the FOURTH DIMENSION!! In addition, BLAZE-PC supports VGA, EGA, XVGA, IGA grocery stores, and even new *UGA* ("Universal Graphics Acronym") for the ULTIMATE in COMPATIBILITY! And yes, it emulates the Amiga CUSTOM CHIPS, plus all available 3rd party, 4TH PARTY, and 117TH PARTY graphics boards at SIXTEEN MILLION HILLION JILLION TIMES THE SPEED!!! It even emulates the HEADLIGHTS on your ancient '73 FORD MUSTANG!!! Yes, ANYTHING involving LIGHT or COLOR pales in comparison to the AWESOME, SPINE-TINGLING GRAPHICS of BLAZE-PC. But what about software? BLAZE-PC has the BEST software in the KNOWN UNIVERSE. In fact, EVERY major and minor software manufacturer has agreed to port their applications to BLAZE-PC, so there's total freedom of choice and no compatibility issues! How did we do it? Simple -- we sent our "Customer Service Representatives" around to all the companies to... uh... "convince" them to port their programs. Our Reps are EXPERTS. No company has EVER turned them down and remained in business. The last company that refused to port its software had a mysterious EXPLOSION occur at its disk-copying facility. A few days later, several employees got their TONGUES caught in the disk drives. Within a week, the company was gone. Of course, we don't know WHY this all happened. But it is never a good idea to piss off our Customer Service Department. And if you can't afford to buy commercial software, check out BLAZE-PD, the ULTIMATE freely-distributable application!! It is a combination paint program, structured graphics program, word processor, spreadsheet, database, MIDI sequencer, sound sampler, and ARCADE GAME (guess which one) all in one integrated package, communicating through a new interprocess-communication language called A-WRECKS. A-WRECKS has the AMAZING feature of being able to talk to ALL YOUR PROGRAMS at once!! How does A-WRECKS do it? Simple -- by YELLING AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE!!! Any rude application that refuses to listen is automatically BLOWN INTO A MILLIONS PIECES by A-WRECKS's special "Cleanup" command. "So," you ask, "how much does Blaze-PC cos... no, wait! Put that sledgehammer down!! I mean, how much does *BLAZE-PC* cost?" Now THAT is a fine and well-stated question (luckily for you). The answer is: CHEAP!! Yes, you can buy a BLAZE-PC for less money that you'd expect to pay for a BALL POINT PEN!! They're SO INEXPENSIVE that if we paid you to buy one, you'd be a MILLIONAIRE in TEN SECONDS!! NOBODY beats our prices. Of course, that price doesn't include some of the available OPTIONS, such as a CPU and memory. Those are "extra." (Heh heh.) But don't worry... if you need them but can't afford them, just call our "Customer Service" Department. So... aren't you glad that all of these c.s.a.advocacy arguments are now POINTLESS? There is NO other computer worth owning except the BLAZE-PC. It does EVERYTHING. Take one home, flip the switch, and INSTANTLY all of your home financial calculations are complete!! You don't even have to PLUG IT IN!! And when you read your final bank balance, notice that it is ZERO, and discover that all of your money has been mysteriously channeled to a Swiss bank account owned by an anonymous software company, you will KNOW the INCREDIBLE POWER of BLAZE-PC. In fact, this POWER is echoed in our new slogan: BLAZE-PC: Buy it or die. (Are you listening, Commodore Marketing? No, I suppose not... you're probably out buying blindfolds.) Dan //////////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ | Dan Barrett -- Dept of Computer Science, Lederle Graduate Research Center | | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003 -- barrett@cs.umass.edu | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////////////// Copyright 1992 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author.