Lunch, the HP way

To: [email protected]
Subject: Lunch, the HP way
From: Robbie Honerkamp <[email protected]>
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 14:51:24 -0500 (EST)
Reply-To: [email protected]
ReSent-Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 15:04:46 -0500 (EST)
ReSent-From: Geeks-l moderator <[email protected]>
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Actually, I've seen this as "Lunch at IBM" as well.
This is by Richard Sexton.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Lunch, the HP Way

by Stephen Harrison and Noel Magee

This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, no screaming disc
drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for life.

I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new
series 70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour.  Three hours later,
we'd barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me
downstairs for lunch.

This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service
counter was a menu which began...


MMU's (Main Menu Units)

0001A    Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
         Must order comdiments 00110A separately

   001   Deletes seeds.  002   Expands burger to two patties.

00020A   Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese,
         bun and condiments.

   001   Add-on bacon.  002   Delete second patty.  003   Replaces second
   patty with extra cheese.

00021A   Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger

   001   From Single Burger.  002   From Double Burger.  003   Return
   credit for bun.

00220A   Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A

   001   Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.

My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The waitress
looked at me like I was an alien.

"How would you like to order that, sir?"

"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?"

"No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like?"

I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?"

"The patty is rated at eight bites."

"Well, how about the rest of it?"

"I dont have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more."

"Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."

My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002
'expands burger to two patties'. The double burger upgrade would give
you two burgers.

"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress chimed
in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."

I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple
in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who merely mowed me
down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking
to some woman who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.

"What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable option
and without the burger and cheese? It'd be a BLT!"

The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my
attention again. "Have you decided, sir?"

"Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with the
option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the Condiment
Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a
option to substitute relish.

"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."

"That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep butted
in again. "That's not a supported configuration."

"What now?" I kept my voice steady.

"Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."

"Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."

The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but that's
not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't fit in
the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first release." "It
is being beta-tested, sir."

I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110. French
followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English Fries?" I
turned to the sales rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them."

I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." The
confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured
only for series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles. "No ma'am,
he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered how long it
had been on the shelf. I didn't ask.

"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh off relief. "Your meal
is now on order. Now how would you like it supported?"

"Support?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of
the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.

"Implementation assistance?"

"You get a waiter."

"Implementation analysis?"

You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."

"Response Center Support?"

"He brings it to your table."

"Extended materials?"

"You get refills."

I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave
me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way
to the table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin.

Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He
hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date.  The table waiter
slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and
said, "Two weeks. But I can get you a standalone chair by the window
right away."

I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of
chile and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room
began to grom dim, my eyesight faded...

I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM,
four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did what it
told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.

Richard J. Sexton