Dedicated to preserving the long lost art of body modification in housepets.
General Praise and Interest
email@example.com What a brilliant
site... Good luck with any others in the future =)
firstname.lastname@example.org thanks for creating something so delightful
email@example.com I am in love with this idea, can you tell me the price of one of these masterpiece kitties?
firstname.lastname@example.org Please send me more information on this fascinating concept; It sounds like the perfect gift!
email@example.com I want a Bonzai Kittie! A black one with green eyes! Any breed will do. I am just so so happy!
Thank you to everyone above and to the dozens of positive emails we have been receiving in response to our new web site! Web people are just the greatest, and with your support we are sure to stay in business forever!
firstname.lastname@example.org I would like to
order a bonsai cat I am pleased to discover that I do not have to do
it myself. Could you e-mail me one? Who do I write my check out to,
and how much is it? Will send mailing address after I hear from
email@example.com They are very nice! How can I have one of these pets? How much do they cost? Do you send them by mail?
firstname.lastname@example.org Hi I was wondering what the length of this procedure is and also how much would one cost like the grey one on your site ??
SMikes@Brownfield.com Could you put some pics of the finished product online? or, maybe not necessarily FINISHED, but at least after you remove them from the container. your mention of the dodecahedral kitty REALLY grabbed my attention. i'd also be very interested in seeing a picture of your multicat.
Of course we prefer to perform the procedure in our own laboratories, the kittens enjoy the company of the crowd much like ladies enjoy a trip to the beauty parlor. The muffled meows emanating from the rows of bonsai stations let us know that the little fuzzies are excited to conform to their new shapes, it is a sound we love to hear. But the best sound is the meow from the shipping carton when your finished kitty arrives in the mail. Yes, they can be sent by mail, but not e-mail, silly! We can send pictures of specific kittys only with permission of the person who commissioned the animal, this is why we do not have any pictures of finished kittens on the site. The bonsai is traditionally considered to be a very private possession.
email@example.com Months ago, you
have masterfully shaped my kitten into a trapezoid; however, now,
the 45-degree angle on the tail side is weakining, making her more of
a rhombus than anything. Although, I could reinforce the front side
with the angular clamps you sell, I'm afraid she might turn out to be
a parallelogram. Any tips?
We would be happy to surgically restore the crisp angles to your cherished pet. In fact, you may have forgotten that we provide a lifetime warranty on the shape of your Bonsai Kitten. Please, pack the Kitten into the shipping container that we will send to you via special express, and we will contact you shortly with a time estimate for the repairs.
firstname.lastname@example.org Can I put a
kitten in a jar like that and keep it alive? How long do they
email@example.com How long do this kittens need to stay in the jar?
firstname.lastname@example.org I run a listserv for cat people, and a majority of them believe, after seeing your site, that it is actually possible to keep a kitten alive in a jar, as you describe.
Bonsai Kitticulture has been perfected over thousands of years. Although crude earthenware was once commonly used, the modern trend is to use pyrex glass. With our modernized procedures the likelihood of premature expiration is very very small. Using pyrex, we have discovered that many finished Bonsai Kitten products are ready to be shipped to their new owners in less than the traditional three months. Nonetheless, if you have not filled out the appropriate USDA Kitticulture forms and received your permit, we do not recommend starting your new hobby until you have done so. Why not order one from us instead? We are happy to hear your report of the acceptance and general acknowledgement of our practices on the listservs. Unfortunately, many cat-luv groups do not understand our motives and techniques, we are happy that your cat-luv group is more enlightened.
email@example.com I have a rabbit
instead of a cat and this has inspired me to try these techniques
with young bunnies.
firstname.lastname@example.org Do you have kits for bonsai ex-boyfriends? I'd like to stick him in a jar with a note and toss it in the ocean.
email@example.com Could you do a rabbit?
firstname.lastname@example.org may I suggest Bonsai Horses? - so you don't get clawed!
We are sorry to say that, although you may think it is a simple matter to apply the Bonsai Kitticulture techniques to other animals, it is almost never successful. Only Kittens (Felinus Domesticus) have the proper bone structure and chemistry to achieve a successful outcome a high percentage of the time. We do not recommend shaping bunnies, puppies, horses, or babies (or boyfriends, silly!). Even a plain rectilinear Bonsai Kitten is just so lovable, it is hard to imagine why you would not be satisfied with one of these!
John@slumnet.com your site is truly wonderful. I once tried something very similar with one of my children, but one of my neighbors didn't think was as cute as I did, so they called the police. now I can use my kitten and not worry as much about the police. Thank you so very much.
Oh my, we hope you are not serious. Please, never, never do this to your children because the bones of homo sapiens are simply not rubbery enough to properly respond to the procedure, causing discomfort and future posture problems for the child.
Limabean@Officelink.com I would like
to buy a bonsai kitten, can it be in the shape of a star?
email@example.com Could you please tell me how much you would charge for a cone-shaped cat and when could I get it?
SimonY@pres.co.uk I am fascinated by the Bonsai Kitten concept. I would very much like a teapot shaped kitten.
firstname.lastname@example.org I would like to make a casting of one of the smaller gargolyes on Notre Dame and, with proper Bonsai Kittyculture techniques, make a little kitty gargoyle!
Such great ideas for shapes! In general, the best vessels are constructed of borosilicate glass (pyrex), because the thermal expansion properties match those of the final ossified bones. However, many plastics and metals can be used with only a small percentage increase in failure. Even then, the failures are of a benign sort, rarely resulting in premature expiration. We encourage you to use molding compounds available at art supply stores to copy the shapes that catch your eye. Then, send the mold to us: we can reproduce the shape as a suitable vessel using our reinforced epoxy resin and glass viewing portals. These custom vessels cost a bit more, but the final product is quite distinctive, and you can take pride knowing that you are unlikely to walk into a party carrying a Bonsai that looks like anyone else's!
JoyVessel@Home.com I have a bonsai
kitten . they are really nice. i got mine in the shape of a star.
bonsai kittens cant walk or anything but they can sort of move
around. we feed ours with a bottle because it cant really eat and we
have a colostomy bag hooked up for waste materials. its really not
that bad he doesnt seem to complain i think he like being like this
it sets him apart from other cats and makes him unique in his own
special way. i know this may seem strange but it doesnt hurt them at
all they just act differently. i love my bonsai kitten and would
never go back to the traditional way of kittens you all should stop
being so judgemental and accept new things mabye try one for yourself
then you would understand. --<3, Joy Vessel, owner of little
Dear Joy, Thank you for your letter of support. It is the satisfied owner like yourself that makes it worth putting up with the self-righteous crackpots. Take good care of dear little Starmew. It sounds like he is a bit feeble and sick. Most Bonsai Kittens can walk and use a litter box, you might consider taking yours to a qualified veterinarian. We can provide a list of vets so that you can avoid hysterical quacks that do not understand the procedures described here.
From: Pablo Molein <email@example.com> Date: Mon, 18 Dec 2000
I really do not like cats very much, they tend to smell funny (like a cat, or an old lady's house, or I guess a cathouse), and their fine fur makes me break out in hives. But I do like dogs. So my question is, can I get a Bonsai Puppy? Can I order him in the shape of a Pretzel or at least a Torus?
One of my favorite stories as a child was that of "Pretzel the Dachshund." How I wish I had good news for you, but alas I do not. Feline bones are unique in that, like their visual system, they are not fully-formed at birth. This is the reason why the technique is possible with a kitten. A puppy's bones, like that of a baby, are not rubbery at birth, hence, a puppy will not bounce, and the proverbial "bouncing baby boy" is more of an alliterative quip than a reality. Genetically-engineered hairless kittens sometimes come onto the market, but they are quite expensive. You might try checking e-bay or a similar auction service to see if they are available at a discount. Best of luck with your allergies.
From: Krate Winjin <firstname.lastname@example.org> Date: Mon, 18 Dec 2000
Words cannot describe my joy at finding your site. You obviously share my refined taste in holiday gifts, I only hope you have gift certificates or have some ready-made kittens "in the jar" so-to-speak. Most people don't know that throwing a kitten on the floor doesn't hurt, their bones are made for this! I learned this amusing fact when I was serving in Indonesia. I also came to the realization that animals were placed on this earth for use as food, companions, furniture and conversation pieces, and I am happy to see someone in the west who admits it. They each have their own inherent shape for an evolutionary reason, but if a person wants to modify his/her own property to a new shape, that is his/her own decision to make. I'm guessing if you could ask an ordinary cat or kitten, or any other animal for that matter, if it would like to be enhanced in this way, it would tell you "I want to be SPECIAL!!!"
Dear Krate Winjin,
First, let me compliment you on your unusual moniker. I would suggest that you order one of our steel band or wire rat-trap kittens, to augment your personal space. Unfortunately, we do not have gift certificates this year, because in earlier years there was a problem with people xeroxing them and fraudulently redeeming them. [There are so many bad people out there! Many of them send us crank letters, so we know! Anyway, back to the matter at hand.] We produced so many bonsais that the local animal shelter ran completely out of kittens, which almost put us out of business! We think you will be happy to hear that we are experimenting with a new type of cat product: MultiCat, which consists of pairs of larger old cats (not suitable for Bonsai process) sewn together to form a most unusual pet. Our founders in the orient have used early prototypes as warmers for their arthritic and gouty feet. If you suffer from these conditions we may be able to help you out because we have a blue-point Siamese / standard Siamese MultiCat that we have recently successfully completed which we would be pleased to see end up in a good home.
From: <MoldysMula@aol.com> Date: Tue, 19 Dec 2000
How DARE you do such a thing to an animal! You are going to PAY for what you have done to these animals!! You will be hearing from us and the Animal Legal Defense Fund Lawyers!
We at Bonsai Kitten firmly support your goal of preventing cruelty to animals. It is very important that all procedures be done using only USDA approved Bonsai Kitticulture techniques. Our charter firmly states that no kitten shall be subjected to inhumane treatments! You can rest assured, our kittens feel no pain using the proper procedures. If you have not been licensed to verify that you know the proper techniques then you should not try this at home! Remember, you cannot trim a kitten! We would like to invite you to our facility to play with our latest collection of tetrahedral kitties, and our dodecahedral cat that is the mother of them all. Edwin A. Abbott would be so very proud!
From: Musty Hooks <email@example.com> Date: Tue, 19 Dec 2000
This is true creativity!!! My one concern is: are there any known health complications? You people are inspired and I would like you to send me more information on joining your profession, it's such a creative and unusual way to make a living!!! You must also make a lot of money. Who supplies you with your kittens? How did you come up with an idea like this?
Thank you for your compliments. We are in the process of forming a number of local chapters of the Bonsai Kitten League in the US to join in with the legions already existing in oriental countries. Keep checking back for more information. We cannot claim to have invented the idea, and as our introduction page states, there is a long tradition of animal Bonsai going back for centuries. The business is cyclic, some years you can do very well, other years people want to leave their cats in the dreary normal shapes. It is sort of like hemlines and the stock market. I would say only get into the business if you really love the animals and want to sincerely give them a chance to be distinctive and special.
From: Puss <firstname.lastname@example.org> Date: Tue, 19 Dec 2000
Extremely funny!! I did the same thing to my cat except I used a full size house! What a dummy I was!
Surely you jest, where could you possibly have obtained such a large kitten? Thank you for your letter anyway.
From: FeralCompanion@aol.com Date: Tue, 19 Dec 2000
A friend sent me the URL and I've just looked through your web site. Is this site legitimate? I've never seen or heard of anything like it before.
We at Bonsai Kitten are surprised that you need to ask us this question. Furthermore, we are saddened that you claim to have never seen or heard of anything like this before, you have lived a sheltered life! I wish I could say that we are sending you a Bonsai Kitten for your very own as part of our outreach program, but we have no kittens in stock ready to send you during this busy time.
From: Dougil Sun <email@example.com> Date: Tue, 19 Dec 2000
I have found that an infusion of 190 proof grain alcohol will contribute to shrinking of tendons and other cartilaginous tissues.
Thank you for the tip! We will add it to our collection of techniques.
From: "Rust Burn" <firstname.lastname@example.org> Date: Tue, 20 Dec 2000
Your site has been reported to the United States Department of Agriculture, The Humane Society of the United States, IP host, and InterNIC. Also your affiliation with your education (collage) is being flagged. I suggest your site be remove immediately and not repeated elsewhere. Your site has been copied entirely for further actions should they occur.
We wish to assure you that we have all the appropriate Bonsai Kitticulture permits required for this simple and painless procedure. We do not understand what you are flagellating about. And we doubt that Rust is your real name. Also, common law copyright exists on these web pages, and we warn you to destroy the illegal copies that you admit to have made or you will face prosecution for stealing our creative property.
From: "Shelfish" <email@example.com> Date: Mon, 18 Dec 2000
You cannot tell me that in this day and age this is acceptable anywhere in the world. You cannot compare the kitten to a tree! Please respond.
It is obvious that you have not travelled widely or you would have encountered the world-famous Bonsai Kitten and would realize the joy brought to many people (and felines) by the procedure. A kitten is like a tree in many ways, the most important of which is the ability to take and hold an elegant or unusual shape.
You've got quite a few people severely pissed at you. they obviously have no sense of world culture, so i wouldn't sweat it.
When my Chinese philosophy class touched upon the practice of foot-binding in China, I made a point of suggesting that keeping ornate, or delicate objects in a state of miniaturization was a distinctly eastern pursuit (bonzai trees, etc.)
My prof. (who I know pretty well) skirted the subject in such a way that I knew I hit a soft spot. After all, how does a life of miniature feet compare with a life of miniature branches (i.e. bonzai trees)? The tree will live, and suffer, much longer than the woman's foot, sometimes for thousands of years.
Maybe you could use this argument to refute these people who are reacting w/o thinking. Some Chinese consider the small female foot to be as cute, delicate, and worthy of preservation as we Americans do in regard to a fluffy, cuddly kitten.
As the saying goes, "the trouble with kittens is that, eventually they become cats."
YOUR SITE IS THE PERFECT SOLUTION!!
Thank you for your insightful letter, sent to us the old-fashioned way. We are also pleased that our site has stimulated conversation and thought about cultural relativity and exotic standards of beauty. The future of the world is indeed bright if you are any indication of the wisdom being molded by our higher education system.
From Dr. Lirpa <firstname.lastname@example.org> Date: Tue, 19 Dec 2000
I was appalled to come across your "Bonsai Kitten" site today as I searched with my young niece for Hello Kitty horticultural products. I told little Felicity that this didn't really happen to kittens, but she would not believe me. Now she is drawing pictures of felines in all manner of geometric forms, and is even taking an interest in her older brother's tongue piercing. You should consider putting AdultCheck, NetNanny, PussyPass, or some other suitable protection system on your site. How can you sleep at night knowing that children around the world will be haphazardly cramming kittens in small vessels in an attempt to achieve the "Bonsai Kitten Facial Expression" --- resulting instead in an expression of death, agony and disfigurement no doubt! As an American, I do not begrudge you indulgence in your esoteric oriental practices, but I wish you would label it for what it is: kittitorture. Then, innocent little girls like Felicity will be spared an adolescence of disfigurement through razor blades and needles in an attempt to reconcile their inner conflicts caused by your manipulation of the archetypical comfort creature the naturally-formed kitten.
Dear Dr. Lirpa,
We resent your opinions, and wish you did not have them, or at least could show enough restraint to keep them to yourself. Frankly, we at Bonsai Kitten are getting tired of receiving so many mis-informed and self-righteous missives telling us what is wrong with our site. The only consolation is the equal number of happy kittens that we lift from drab existences and elevate into cherished objets d'art. Can't we all just get along?
From Jane Marlow <email@example.com> Date: Thu, 21 Dec 2000
You are a sick son of a bitch. You are probably Chinese, the most perverse of the Asians.
This message is typical of the bigoted and intolerant individuals that have attempted to detract from our company ever since we started it. It is a shame to spoil our guestbook with this sort of ignorant filth, but we feel it is important to let people know the kind of difficulty that immigrants to this country face in their daily lives from prejudiced attitudes, even in this modern age. It's no surprise that such a throwback would be against what we are doing, however; why, not to adore these cute little Bonsai Kittens would be downright un-American!
From <firstname.lastname@example.org> Date: Fri, 22 Dec 2000
I would like to know more about the cramming? I have grand ideas of stuffing kittens into old medicine bottles and suchlike. Could one cram kitten and boat into one bottle? What a mystery! Yes. Perhaps I hook up remote-control device & wheels to bottle and kitten gets tour of house under my control... So many ideas flood my mind and make me sick with happiness!
That is a very interesting suggestion, that merits further study. You could probably apply for a government science grant! This sounds like an ideal way for your Bonsai Kitten to be able to explore dangerous environments in which you would never allow a normal kitty, such as the inside of the neighbour's dog kennel, or on a football field during the big game. If you send us the bottle, we can custom drill axle bearing holes and chassis attachment points with our precision equipment, to ensure proper alignment. You wouldn't want a wobbly kitty! Please e-mail us to work out further details.
From Fanny Slufy <email@example.com> Date: Sat, 22 Dec 2000
I was so glad to come across your site! At this time of year thousands of kitties will be given as gifts, only to be cruelly abandoned by their new owners weeks or even days later as they discover how much effort is required to take care of a normal cat. My own Christmas Miracle wish was that someone would find a way to make cats more convenient, and now here you have! I hope no one again ever underestimates the power of animal lovers. Thank you so much and please don't ever bow to the pressure of the uninformed Kittie-Luddites out there. Free speech is the most important right we have in this wonderful country.
We agree with you completely, there is nothing more important than ensuring that people have access to the commodities they want, especially during the holiday season. Fanny, our deepest thanks go out to you for your support during this busy period for us. Rest assured, we will be supplying the increasing demand for darling little shaped kitties for quite some time to come!
Contact the Bonsai Kitten webmaster!